Home Birth

For those of you who don't already know I am pregnant. AGAIN. I found out a few days before the triathlon and am just now emerging from the pregnancy induced haze that is the first trimester.

So this blog may take on a slightly different tone.

I do plan to update some information for peeps before the Chicago triathlon kicks off but probably not in time to help with training. Good luck to all you crazy triathletes! I hope to join you all again soon! And after my experience practicing open water swims in Lake Michigan (more on that later) you are awesome to swim through it!

But onto home birth. As I was coming to grips with the idea of giving birth again the thought of going back to the hospital was turning my stomach.

After the girls were born the general consensus was I should be grateful not to have had a c-section. Forget that the resident at the hospital broke my water accidentally when I was having a routine exam done. Forget that after birth my bladder was paralyzed and I had to ask for HOURS to have someone put in a catheter because I felt like I was about to pop. Forget that. I should be grateful. Grateful for my babies and grateful that I didn't die.

But that doesn't feel quite right to me.

This is not to say that I don't think hospitals are sometimes a necessary part of the birth process. It seems that's always the argument when you express anti hospital sentiments. Do you want to put mother's and babies at risk? Do you have a death wish?

This is not at all the case. This is Tom's and my decision and we hope it's the right one. So far everything is going incredibly smoothly, we are healthy and happy and as long as baby and I stay that way we want to have our birth at home, in a quiet space, surrounded by our family in a way that feels natural and right to us.

So. How to begin.

I'm not insane or an uneducated woman. I approached this the way I've found you have to approach most everything in health care these days. I did some research, some talking to people and I shopped around for my care provider.

Surprise!

There actually are not very many CNM's that practice home birth in the Chicago area.

Here are the ones that we found and interviewed:

Sarah Simmons (doesn't have her own web site - came highly recommended - can find her info through Birthlink or see the link below)

Hillary Kieser


Jennifer Gagnon

I think we are close to making our decision and of course I will fill you in on all the details including what questions we asked that were the most helpful.

Here are some other practitioners who also offer home birth in the Chicago area:
Birthlink Practitioners

Here's some of the research I came across:

Safety of home birth


Outcomes of home birth

Home birth versus hospital birth outcomes

And if you haven't read it or seen a copy any of Ina May Gaskin's books are filled with stories of natural home births, hippy style that make me want to drive all the way to Tennesee to give birth on The Farm.

Tom is of course onboard but has also been vocal in expressing the fear he has, however distant, in his heart. Oddly enough, it seems to me it's not so much, "what if something goes wrong?" it's more "what will people's reactions be if something goes wrong?" Will they fault us and call us unfit parents, say we got what we deserved, treat us even more poorly at the hospital because we didn't 'choose them first'?

In trying to live our happiness, we are trying hard to speak our truth. How can people truly know you if you don't follow what your own mind and body says is right and not let your fear of society's criticism guide your decision making. Even though I'm a little scared things just feel like they are heading in the right direction. I'm hopeful that the more I can share these thoughts the easier they will become to express. I don't want to fear people's judgments of me and my choices. I've spent too much of my life worrying about what other people think of me already.

I will be writing more frequently so check in soon and leave me some comments, questions or smart remarks.

Stay cool!
Dana

Marriage Challenge: The Wrought Iron Fence Incident

For those of you who have read The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin this might seem familiar. For those of you who have not read it, it's a great read, really insightful and thoughtful. Gretchen Ruben spent 1 year of her life exploring how she could deepen her own sense of happiness. Each month is dedicated to exploring one area of her life and seeing how she could increase her own happiness. Gretchen is well versed in many of the philosophical writings on happiness and peppers the book with them. She is methodical in her exploration and shows a level of discipline I aspire to. However, to borrow something she reiterates in the book several times "Be Gretchen".

I am going to try and "Be Dana".

Sounds easy enough. But the first thing I have to recognize is that by nature I am not methodical. I am...a little more on the impulsive track.


For example, we have a wrought iron fence in front of our house. It was white when we moved in 5 years ago. After facing the Chicago winters and weather it was looking a bit worse for wear. It bothered me. The rust and chipping and flaking paint. I just didn't like to look at it. As the 'master gardener' of our family, I am responsible for all the gardening, landscaping, outside beautification of the house. I found that I was working a good deal in the backyard but not so much in the front. In fact, I rarely spent anytime in the front of the house except retrieving the mail. I decided, last Tuesday, that I needed to clean up that fence.

So, the girls and I got on some paint clothes and got some white paint and went out and took care of that fence. It took us close to three hours but when we were done it felt really good. I found myself alive with possibility for the front of the house - the flowers I could plant and projects to do. Happiness increase check! Until, my impulsiveness caught up with me. Turns out I didn't necessarily do the most detailed job(attention to detail has never been a strong suit of mine). I didn't fully sand down all of the rusty bits off the fence before I painted and I didn't use a drop cloth. My husband (who is very detail oriented) felt very disturbed by the drops of paint that now dotted the deck. Happiness decreasing. He felt it was even more distracting to have those dots of paint than to have all the rust we had before AND to boot, my impulsiveness left him feeling like I didn't respect his opinion in regards to the house.

Hmmmm.

This is an interesting point. Why didn't I call him to speak to him about it?

Simple.

I knew he would tell me not to do it. To wait and do it the right way when we had a day to do it together and could fully think out all the logistics of the project. I didn't want to wait. I wanted to do it now. I wanted to indulge in that feeling of impulsiveness and instant gratification and I didn't want to be stopped. I wanted to feel 'happy' so badly that I disregarded his feelings and in the end made myself unhappier.

There was a palpable rift between us as a result of the wrought iron fence incident.

So how can I still satisfy that need for impulsiveness and instant gratification while acknowledging my partners feelings? I'm not sure. I know it speaks to a larger issue than just the fence. I need to try and find a way to balance my short term want of happiness against long term want of happiness.

My marriage is tops on my list of things that are important to me. Higher up than my physical space. How can I try to be more thoughtful about the decisions I make without sacrificing the part of myself that really enjoys being impulsive? How can I "Be Dana" in a way that is a little more thoughtful?

Not sure. But I started out by asking 'the family" today when we were having breakfast what project we should do today. After a meaningful glance or two and a smile at Tom he responded, "Just text me before you go crazy." It's a start huh?

Dana
www.danacruz.com

Tools for the Urban Woman

Thanks for checking out my blog.

By my own account I am for the most part living a fulfilling life. I live in Chicago with my husband. We have a house. My husband and I have our own moderately successful careers. We have 2 kids. We are healthy.

So why do I feel like a hamster on a wheel. Or not even a hamster. Worse. One of those Zhu Zhu pets whirling around my tiny track and spinning on my wheel and then coming to a completely inanimate stop.

This feeling has been with me for awhile now. About 2 months ago I decided to do something about it. This blog will be a catalogue of my progress in exploration.

What am I doing?

In no particular order:

1. I am taking better care of my body. I signed up to run the US Women's Triathlon Series sprint distance triathlon in Naperville, Illinois on June 13.

2. I am going to church. Tom (my husband) and I have been checking out a number of different religious communities in the area to try and find a spiritual home.

3. I am removing myself from those things that no longer fulfill me.

4. I am accepting things which I do find to be fulfilling.

5. I am trying to listen and learn from my children.

6. I am trying to work on the happiness of my marriage.

7. I am trying to grow my business.

8. I am trying to learn how to be a better business woman and professional.

9. I am trying to have a thriving garden and respect the environment I live in.

10. I am trying not to become obsessed with money (or rather lack their of).


HI!

I don't think I have anything figured out, by a long shot. But I will say that there are moments of clarity. I live for those moments. Someone recently was talking about inspiration and how in those inspired moments you are directly connected to the larger spiritual consciousness.

I would like to have more of those moments.

Who doesn't want to live a fully inspired life?

There will be some practical tips as well in terms of tri-training, gardening, business, spirituality, conscious living, relationships, child rearing, urban biking and everything else that crosses my path as a woman of many roles, living in a big city on a small to medium sized budget.

I also must pay homage to the books I have been reading to get to the point where I have actually started a blog about my journey.

They are (again in no particular order):
"The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin
"How To See Yourself As You Really Are" by His Holiness The Dalai Lama
"Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert
"Slow, Fat Triathlete" by Jayne Williams
"Urban Shaman" by Serge Kahili King

Weigh in if you would like to do so. Keep me accountable. For my part I will be honest.

Dana

"I've been absolutely terrified every moment of my life - and I've never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do" - Georgia O'Keefe