Marriage Challenge: The Wrought Iron Fence Incident

For those of you who have read The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin this might seem familiar. For those of you who have not read it, it's a great read, really insightful and thoughtful. Gretchen Ruben spent 1 year of her life exploring how she could deepen her own sense of happiness. Each month is dedicated to exploring one area of her life and seeing how she could increase her own happiness. Gretchen is well versed in many of the philosophical writings on happiness and peppers the book with them. She is methodical in her exploration and shows a level of discipline I aspire to. However, to borrow something she reiterates in the book several times "Be Gretchen".

I am going to try and "Be Dana".

Sounds easy enough. But the first thing I have to recognize is that by nature I am not methodical. I am...a little more on the impulsive track.


For example, we have a wrought iron fence in front of our house. It was white when we moved in 5 years ago. After facing the Chicago winters and weather it was looking a bit worse for wear. It bothered me. The rust and chipping and flaking paint. I just didn't like to look at it. As the 'master gardener' of our family, I am responsible for all the gardening, landscaping, outside beautification of the house. I found that I was working a good deal in the backyard but not so much in the front. In fact, I rarely spent anytime in the front of the house except retrieving the mail. I decided, last Tuesday, that I needed to clean up that fence.

So, the girls and I got on some paint clothes and got some white paint and went out and took care of that fence. It took us close to three hours but when we were done it felt really good. I found myself alive with possibility for the front of the house - the flowers I could plant and projects to do. Happiness increase check! Until, my impulsiveness caught up with me. Turns out I didn't necessarily do the most detailed job(attention to detail has never been a strong suit of mine). I didn't fully sand down all of the rusty bits off the fence before I painted and I didn't use a drop cloth. My husband (who is very detail oriented) felt very disturbed by the drops of paint that now dotted the deck. Happiness decreasing. He felt it was even more distracting to have those dots of paint than to have all the rust we had before AND to boot, my impulsiveness left him feeling like I didn't respect his opinion in regards to the house.

Hmmmm.

This is an interesting point. Why didn't I call him to speak to him about it?

Simple.

I knew he would tell me not to do it. To wait and do it the right way when we had a day to do it together and could fully think out all the logistics of the project. I didn't want to wait. I wanted to do it now. I wanted to indulge in that feeling of impulsiveness and instant gratification and I didn't want to be stopped. I wanted to feel 'happy' so badly that I disregarded his feelings and in the end made myself unhappier.

There was a palpable rift between us as a result of the wrought iron fence incident.

So how can I still satisfy that need for impulsiveness and instant gratification while acknowledging my partners feelings? I'm not sure. I know it speaks to a larger issue than just the fence. I need to try and find a way to balance my short term want of happiness against long term want of happiness.

My marriage is tops on my list of things that are important to me. Higher up than my physical space. How can I try to be more thoughtful about the decisions I make without sacrificing the part of myself that really enjoys being impulsive? How can I "Be Dana" in a way that is a little more thoughtful?

Not sure. But I started out by asking 'the family" today when we were having breakfast what project we should do today. After a meaningful glance or two and a smile at Tom he responded, "Just text me before you go crazy." It's a start huh?

Dana
www.danacruz.com